Charlotte Kersten

Safety Planning and Resources

If reading any of my books caused difficult emotions for you because of something you have experienced or are currently experiencing, I encourage you to reach out for support. A good place to start could be a sexual assault or domestic violence hotline. I have included the numbers for two of the biggest hotlines in the United States:

• Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN): 1-800-656-4637
  This number will route you to an affiliate hotline in your area. RAINN also has a safe online chat feature.
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
  This organization also has a safe online chat feature.

International readers, I encourage you to reach out to sexual violence and/or domestic violence hotlines in your countries as well. 

Many websites for domestic violence organizations feature information about safety planning, which is a tool that survivors can use to help them decide what to do and increase their physical/emotional safety and clarity. For extensive safety planning, I encourage you to explore domestic violence websites with safety planning features (this is my favorite) or speak with a domestic violence advocate directly, but if reading this book has motivated you to start thinking about these things, here are a few first steps to consider:

1. Collect evidence of the abuse (more info)
   Example: a journal of abusive incidents (date, time, details), abusive emails and text messages, police reports, doctor/hospital visits. You can hide this journal somewhere safe where the abuser will not find it.
   
2. Stash a get-away bag (more info)
   This is a bag containing everything important you will want to take with you if you need to leave the house quickly. It can include important documents like birth certificates, social security cards, copies of financial records, leases and deeds, health insurance information, a marriage license or divorce paperwork, a protection order. It may also include a backup supply of any prescription medications, clothes, cash, and any small valuables/mementos that you would want to take with you. You can hide this bag somewhere safe where the abuser will not find it. 
   
3. Emotional support
   This means finding ways to take care of your emotional well-being. 
   • Seek out supportive people including hotlines, domestic violence advocates, and doctors as well as friends/family. If it is possible, seek mental health care with a therapist and/or psychiatrist.
   • Practice self-compassion and remind yourself of your worth as a human being, things you love about yourself, and the fact that you do not deserve the abuse you are experiencing. You are not alone, it is not your fault, it is possible for things to get better, and it will not always feel the way it does right now. It can help to write these things down or repeat them to yourself if you struggle to believe them.
   • Take care of your immediate needs such as hygiene, sleep, and nutrition to the best of your ability while avoiding harmful coping skills and using healthy distraction and grounding skills for coping instead. Take additional time for activities that you enjoy or bring you happiness/peace.
4. Children (more info)
   • Practice calling 911 with the children and help them practice leaving the house with you quickly/when you use a keyword.
   • Talk with them about not intervening to try to keep you safe.
   • Seek counseling for the children to help them deal with the effects of secondary trauma.
   • Inform their school/day care who has permission to pick up the children. If necessary, give them a copy of your protection order and show them what your abuser looks like.
5. Workplace (more info)
   • Talk with a coworker or supervisor you trust about what is happening.
   • Provide your office with a picture of your abuser and a copy of your protection order if applicable.
   • Have someone walk you to your car and vary your route to and from work.
   • Come up with a plan for what your workplace can do if your abuser shows up.
6. Financial (more info)
   • Keep your social security number and banking information in a safe place (see get-away bag).
   • Open your own bank account and store money in case of emergency.
   • Reach out to DV advocacy programs for help with emergency funding if necessary.
   • Ask your bank to assign a password to your account so that no withdrawals can be made without a password.
7. Technology (more info)
   • Create new email and other online accounts, change your passwords, adjust login settings so that they require two-factor authentication, and adjust privacy settings to be the most stringent.
   • Turn off your location on all of your apps and be careful about what you and your friends/family post on social media.
   • Use a different computer or cell phone to change your settings (there is free access at public libraries).
   • If necessary, get a new phone or change your phone number and make sure that it is unlisted.
8. At home
   • Remember that mild/infrequent violence is very likely to escalate over time.
   • Try to keep weapons locked up.
   • Tell a neighbor what is happening and ask them to call 911 if they hear suspicious noises like fighting or screaming.
   • During violence, try to avoid rooms with weapons and rooms with only one exit that can be easily blocked.
9. Preparing to leave (more info)
   • Try to plan for a time when your abuser will not be home.
   • If you cannot avoid your abuser when leaving, many police departments will provide officers to act as a third party to ensure your safety while leaving.
   • Plan where you will go with a local domestic violence program or friends/family members. Many DV shelters have wait-lists, so you may have to plan for somewhere temporary to stay or find ways to keep as safe as possible while you wait.
   • Plan out who is safe to tell and who is not safe to tell
10. Additional considerations
    • Stalking is common in abusive relationships, especially right after a survivor has left their abuser. More info on safety planning for stalking.
    • If you have questions about what “counts” as sexual assault or abuse, great introductory information about both can be found with Planned Parenthood and LoveisRespect. This is also a great thing to talk about on a hotline.
    • It can be helpful to educate yourself about abuse and trauma to help yourself understand your abuser’s tactics and what you are experiencing. My recommendations can be found here.
    • Some of the skills that have helped me the most with my PTSD are as follows:
      -Meditation – I use the app Headspace, but there are also lots of excellent free meditations on YouTube. My favorite meditation is a safe place meditation: instructions and shortened guided recording.
      -Mindful self-compassion has been completely transformative for my feelings of self-blame and hatred. This workbook is what I used, but there is lots of free information here (linked above as well).
      -I also refer to this list of skills all the time.